Read About Me

Well well! It's a friday morning, ya'll! s'up? I'm bored! who wants to do something with me? yea prolly no one... oh well! s'all good - yeah last night I just sat around because mom and dad were too tired to drive anywheres, and every1 else was too busy and stuff, and so now I'm stuck @ home minding Ben and his stupid little friend Patrick. I might be going to the Festival of Trees this afternoon, but prolly not. hopefully I'll at least go to see a play tonight @ St. Mach's. tommorrow's party was cancelled, so I mean I'm gonna make more plans. I hate people who always have plans tho - I just really do. I dunno, it's really low of me but I just can't stand it when people say "oh everything's so great and I always have stuff to do and I love spending time by myself..." I mean you can spend time with yourself when you're dead. I wish I had a good group of friends that lived close to me - (I envy K.V. people) and I mean everyone from my school lives everywhere and no one cool lives close to me so I mean I'm screwed, this sucks! everyone's just always so busy with their other plans, but I'm not uncool! I'm fun! someone call me! and i hate it when someone pretends to care and we do stuff and then suddenly I'm just 100% not good enough - damnit I just hate it! I want plans! now! I call people and yet everyone's so freakin busy, and here I am. it's like I'm in limbo. weird stuff...... and I just feel bad. and maybe you ask yourself, "why the fuck doesn't he shut up?" it's because I have a need to feel like I belong, but right now I really just don't. I just feel weirded out and every time I'm at home with nothing to do... I blame myself. I tell myself that if I were just that little bit cooler, that I wouldn't be just sitting here. I'd be out, doing something. and you have no idea how happy I am meeting people and doing stuff. just hangin out @ someone's house, I mean that's so awesome it's unbelievable. if you are miles away from my problems, appreciate what you have. I wish I had it. it's not like I'm just a friendless hermit in the middle of the woods who smells like garbage and eats people... I'm normal, funny, cool, y'know - all the good stuff. (not to be egotistical or anything) but yeah and then everyone's all so busy... and my parents have 3 kids, I'm one of them, and they're always so drained and they hate driving me places, I always have to beg. so I mean it's hard for me to meet some people who don't live close to me, cause that means I prolly can't get a drive back. maybe this is just mindless ranting, but I honestly think I have a valid point here. my fundamental needs are not being met, and there's nothing I can really force or do to make it better - that's why I still stay in bad friendships and call people whom I don't really wanna hang out with. that's why I call people even though they don't call me back. I'm always so afraid that secretly someone is thinking that I'm annoying, or that they wish I'd leave them alone. and yet, I always have to make my own plans. I mean sometimes I do get invited, but I mean that's kinda rare. I go to Sam-de-Cham, not SJHS, and I dont' have a great big happy group of friends... I don't. my friends are scattered in diff. groups - which makes the dynamics interesting, but not convenient. I don't like it, I really don't. anyway, I've been ranting for a while now so shout out or give me call (no one will actually call) and... yeah. never mind.

Dunno what to do,
Can't make these things come my way.