Friday, July 30, 2004
lol, seems all i do nowadays is post my dr. advice thing! this can have negative side-effects, however. see the following example:
"hey, how are you?"
"oh, I'm bad. let's talk about Joel, though."
"yes, as usual. how is Joel?"
"I don't know. he doesn't tell about anything about himself ever in his Blog anymore!"
"I know, it's only that "Dr. Advice" stuff. which is absolutely hilarious, I've urinated in my pants after reading every edition, I just can't stop, but it's just not... about Joel, you know?"
"I know."
"and... *chokes up* when I don't hear what's new about him, I just... I worry, you know?"
"yes, i understand you, I feel the same way."
"and then I just... well he's just so nice and cool and great, and when I don't hear about him I wonder what I'd ever do with myself if he wasn't around... *begins to sob*"
"oh yes, let it out companion, mmmyes, right there, let it out"
"and I just... I worry, yknow??? Dr. Advice my ASS! I NEED JOEL!"
"you ass, mmm yes, I need it - ah, I know!"
"AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SO SAD INSIDE!"
"cry on my crotch"
"excuse me?"
"nothing."
I'm sure that's what you're all feeling too. I'm not gonna talk anymore, and.... ahhh... I'm going to let "Dr. Advice" come in and give advice! *cough* so yea! enjoy :D this week, it's the one-liner's edition! short & sweet!
FOR THOSE WHO SKIPPED THE PARAGRAPH ABOVE, THIS WEEK IS THE SHORT & SWEET EDITION OF DR. ADVICE! thank you. (oh, and this time you'll have to click on the link to see the confession, due to laziness. lol.)
DR. ADVICE!
Patient #1, 476655957
Dr. Advice: Ah... Ha. Right. I don't even really want to give you any advice, because you sound just so immensley retarded that you're just... Whatever. So, in your spare time, while the world sleeps and has wild hot sex, you dance around to "Get Down" while wearing your mom's spandex, eh? Eh. And then you film it, eh? Eh. That's what I thought. All I can say is, whatever floats your boat there, perv-a-rino, that's a little odd but hey! Just between you in me - I compulsively sneak a quick snack from the compost bin while listening to the soundtrack of Jesus Christ Superstar while wearing a dress made of socks! But it's cool. Next!
Patient #2, 441198503
Dr. Advice: This is a problem for your plumber. Not me. Get help. Next!
Patient #3, 176586432
Dr. Advice: Hey, you're a transvestite! That's great! But keep it to yourself, or no one will like you and no one will share their cookies with you at naptime. That's what happened to me...I mean, time for the next patient! Next!
Patient #4, 130755415
Dr. Advice: Who escaped from the insane asylum? Who, you? Yes, you. Who refuses to comment on such a stupid confession? Who, me? Yes, me. But I still want a cookie.
-END-
YAAA!!! comment, even if you have nothing to say :D I'M WATCHING YOU SO YOU BETTER....... lol k later
-joel
(2) comments
"hey, how are you?"
"oh, I'm bad. let's talk about Joel, though."
"yes, as usual. how is Joel?"
"I don't know. he doesn't tell about anything about himself ever in his Blog anymore!"
"I know, it's only that "Dr. Advice" stuff. which is absolutely hilarious, I've urinated in my pants after reading every edition, I just can't stop, but it's just not... about Joel, you know?"
"I know."
"and... *chokes up* when I don't hear what's new about him, I just... I worry, you know?"
"yes, i understand you, I feel the same way."
"and then I just... well he's just so nice and cool and great, and when I don't hear about him I wonder what I'd ever do with myself if he wasn't around... *begins to sob*"
"oh yes, let it out companion, mmmyes, right there, let it out"
"and I just... I worry, yknow??? Dr. Advice my ASS! I NEED JOEL!"
"you ass, mmm yes, I need it - ah, I know!"
"AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SO SAD INSIDE!"
"cry on my crotch"
"excuse me?"
"nothing."
I'm sure that's what you're all feeling too. I'm not gonna talk anymore, and.... ahhh... I'm going to let "Dr. Advice" come in and give advice! *cough* so yea! enjoy :D this week, it's the one-liner's edition! short & sweet!
FOR THOSE WHO SKIPPED THE PARAGRAPH ABOVE, THIS WEEK IS THE SHORT & SWEET EDITION OF DR. ADVICE! thank you. (oh, and this time you'll have to click on the link to see the confession, due to laziness. lol.)
DR. ADVICE!
Patient #1, 476655957
Dr. Advice: Ah... Ha. Right. I don't even really want to give you any advice, because you sound just so immensley retarded that you're just... Whatever. So, in your spare time, while the world sleeps and has wild hot sex, you dance around to "Get Down" while wearing your mom's spandex, eh? Eh. And then you film it, eh? Eh. That's what I thought. All I can say is, whatever floats your boat there, perv-a-rino, that's a little odd but hey! Just between you in me - I compulsively sneak a quick snack from the compost bin while listening to the soundtrack of Jesus Christ Superstar while wearing a dress made of socks! But it's cool. Next!
Patient #2, 441198503
Dr. Advice: This is a problem for your plumber. Not me. Get help. Next!
Patient #3, 176586432
Dr. Advice: Hey, you're a transvestite! That's great! But keep it to yourself, or no one will like you and no one will share their cookies with you at naptime. That's what happened to me...I mean, time for the next patient! Next!
Patient #4, 130755415
Dr. Advice: Who escaped from the insane asylum? Who, you? Yes, you. Who refuses to comment on such a stupid confession? Who, me? Yes, me. But I still want a cookie.
-END-
YAAA!!! comment, even if you have nothing to say :D I'M WATCHING YOU SO YOU BETTER....... lol k later
-joel
Thursday, July 29, 2004
heyyyyyy yaaaaaaa ,heyyy yaaaaaa, it's dr. advice time! and it's also a beautiful day! enjoy! but before i start, i have to show you something hilarious.
BlondeStar.
mmmyok!
Patient #1, 590199080
This patient is too vulgar to be placed on this site. For your own discretion, we reccomend that you use your own discretion while visiting the link above. Thank you.
Dr. Advice: Oh... Well that's always good! Good! OK! Well, I certainly don't think I've ever gagged so hard in my life. So thank you for sharing what turns you on. I think I'm going to call 1-800-222-TIPS to report "a fucked-up mother fucker who's so fucked up that he deserves to be thrown into jail." I mean... Do you have ANY idea how revoltingly un-healthy your habits are? Holy God! That's so sick! I'm sorry, but I can't even start to help you out here, but maybe you should try to find something ELSE that turns you on. Please. Oh, and for future reference: Don't ever talk about your feelings again. They're gross. Next!
(0) comments
BlondeStar.
mmmyok!
Patient #1, 590199080
This patient is too vulgar to be placed on this site. For your own discretion, we reccomend that you use your own discretion while visiting the link above. Thank you.
Dr. Advice: Oh... Well that's always good! Good! OK! Well, I certainly don't think I've ever gagged so hard in my life. So thank you for sharing what turns you on. I think I'm going to call 1-800-222-TIPS to report "a fucked-up mother fucker who's so fucked up that he deserves to be thrown into jail." I mean... Do you have ANY idea how revoltingly un-healthy your habits are? Holy God! That's so sick! I'm sorry, but I can't even start to help you out here, but maybe you should try to find something ELSE that turns you on. Please. Oh, and for future reference: Don't ever talk about your feelings again. They're gross. Next!
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
les camarades! salut! comment ça va? comme vous pouvez constater, je n'ai pas vraiment «poster» en longtemps! ce n'était que des niaiseries de «dr. advice,» ce qui est drôle, mais un peu... retardé. et bien.
alors! aujourd'hui nous (ma famille) partons pour une belle journée de camping! hourra! mes cousins et ma grand-mère ont achetés de la propriété sur un terrain de camping en grand bay, et c'est vraiment bien. alors, nous y allons passer la journée avec eux, et par après nous y allons passer la nuit aussi. vomissons. j'espère que je ne meurs pas... je suis 100% dépendant sur l'ordinateur, mes amis, etc. etc., mais heureusement Thomas est parti pour une semaine au «Hampton Bible Camp»! (C'est un peu... contradictoire, n'est pas?) voilà un petit scénario que j'ai conçu au sujet du séjour de Thomas au camp:
"Thomas, nous vous demandons que t'enlèves ton chandail innaproprié."
"Fuk u, muthafukaz."
"Et bien. Nous allons appeller Jésus et lui demander de te tuer."
"Whatever."
"Bien."
Hourra! C'est réaliste! J'ai manquer uriner dans mes pantalons en lisant la brochure du camp. Voici un exemple de ce que j'ai lu:
"We ask that you bring your personal hygienic necessities, a week's supply of appropriate clothing, (i.e. no mini-skirts, tube tops, negative lettering, etc.) all the equipment necessary for your week's theme (dans le cas à Thomas, c'est la semaine de «paintball»,) and don't forget your favorite bible and your holiest attitude!"
J'aimerais réviser la dernière partie de ce paragraphe:
"...and don't forget your favorite bible and your holiest attitude!"
Pardonnez-moi alors que je vomis du fond de mon estomac. C'est bien une phrase qui décrit Thomas très bien, et la seule raison de son participation ne dois définitivement PAS être le fait que c'est la semaine de «paintball». Non.
En tout cas, il faut que j'aille partir et préparer mes choses, alors amusez-vous et je vous parlerez plus tard!
-joel
(0) comments
alors! aujourd'hui nous (ma famille) partons pour une belle journée de camping! hourra! mes cousins et ma grand-mère ont achetés de la propriété sur un terrain de camping en grand bay, et c'est vraiment bien. alors, nous y allons passer la journée avec eux, et par après nous y allons passer la nuit aussi. vomissons. j'espère que je ne meurs pas... je suis 100% dépendant sur l'ordinateur, mes amis, etc. etc., mais heureusement Thomas est parti pour une semaine au «Hampton Bible Camp»! (C'est un peu... contradictoire, n'est pas?) voilà un petit scénario que j'ai conçu au sujet du séjour de Thomas au camp:
"Thomas, nous vous demandons que t'enlèves ton chandail innaproprié."
"Fuk u, muthafukaz."
"Et bien. Nous allons appeller Jésus et lui demander de te tuer."
"Whatever."
"Bien."
Hourra! C'est réaliste! J'ai manquer uriner dans mes pantalons en lisant la brochure du camp. Voici un exemple de ce que j'ai lu:
"We ask that you bring your personal hygienic necessities, a week's supply of appropriate clothing, (i.e. no mini-skirts, tube tops, negative lettering, etc.) all the equipment necessary for your week's theme (dans le cas à Thomas, c'est la semaine de «paintball»,) and don't forget your favorite bible and your holiest attitude!"
J'aimerais réviser la dernière partie de ce paragraphe:
"...and don't forget your favorite bible and your holiest attitude!"
Pardonnez-moi alors que je vomis du fond de mon estomac. C'est bien une phrase qui décrit Thomas très bien, et la seule raison de son participation ne dois définitivement PAS être le fait que c'est la semaine de «paintball». Non.
En tout cas, il faut que j'aille partir et préparer mes choses, alors amusez-vous et je vous parlerez plus tard!
-joel
Monday, July 26, 2004
yaayyyyyyy for not really posting except for dr. advice columns which is about the funnest thing i've done in quite a whiiiilllleee!! yaaaaa!!!!!! let's get this party started , seeing as to how i'm too lazy to say anything about my life , yaaaa! arritey:
time forrrrr....
dr. advice!!!!!! yaaaaaa
Patient #1, 225944824
"i have the aids virus ..it is my mission to infect as many people as humanly possible before i die. so i can drag u all down with me. "
Dr. Advice: Well, you seem to be a happy-go-lucky and fun-loving guy! (Assuming you are a guy.) That's really nice of you that you want to infect everyone because you want to "drag them all down with you" with your AIDS virus! That's a good thing to do! Or not. I'm just wondering a few things here... As in, why are you so fucked up? And how did you get the virus? And why the flying fuck would you want to pass the virus along to others? You're an angry, angry young man. Brighten up! Just because you have AIDS doesn't necessairily mean that you're going to die a horribly slow and painful death! It's much more quick and painless if you throw yourself off a tall roof! But don't worry, you still have a good chance of survival. Just try not to be so bitter and resentful of everyone, it makes it hard to make new friends. Don't die! Next!
(0) comments
time forrrrr....
dr. advice!!!!!! yaaaaaa
Patient #1, 225944824
"i have the aids virus ..it is my mission to infect as many people as humanly possible before i die. so i can drag u all down with me. "
Dr. Advice: Well, you seem to be a happy-go-lucky and fun-loving guy! (Assuming you are a guy.) That's really nice of you that you want to infect everyone because you want to "drag them all down with you" with your AIDS virus! That's a good thing to do! Or not. I'm just wondering a few things here... As in, why are you so fucked up? And how did you get the virus? And why the flying fuck would you want to pass the virus along to others? You're an angry, angry young man. Brighten up! Just because you have AIDS doesn't necessairily mean that you're going to die a horribly slow and painful death! It's much more quick and painless if you throw yourself off a tall roof! But don't worry, you still have a good chance of survival. Just try not to be so bitter and resentful of everyone, it makes it hard to make new friends. Don't die! Next!
Saturday, July 24, 2004
arrrrrriteyyyy , lol, seems all i do in this thing is find desperate people and then give them advice for all your guys entertainment. this does --> NOT <--- mean that my life isn't interesting, it just means that I don't really... lol... feel like sharing what i do that much anymore. oh well! and so yeah, you're right, this means it's time for your FAVORITE doctor annnd mine!:
(0) comments
Dr. Advice
Patient #1, 184370679
"I'm str8 + I've always been str8. after reading my confession u might think im into dudes, im not. I like to watch guys pee in the public bathrooms and then I walk into a stall and draw pics of their dicks on my leg right by my dick so later when I jerk off I can look at them."
Dr. Advice: Right you are, good friend. Right you are. Why is it that guys always say this? "I'm straight, but however, I'm sexually attracted to guys and have never been interested in any girl, ever." I mean, isn't that a bit... Contradictory? Whatever. That's beside the point. The REAL point here is that you're... Pretty fucking weird. Just the fact that you draw images of penises on your inner thigh in order to arrouse yourself (so much for Vaseline and a Playboy) is strange enough, but the fact that you maintain that you're straight! I mean, I'm sure you're about 80% straight, but I think you're going to have to admit that you're at least 20% homosexual. Just like homogenized milk! You're 20% homo! Or however that works. Whatever. Next!
Patient #2, 111146686
"I fantasize about raping women with incredibly peach-like bottoms. Only in times of stress do I feel this way."
Dr. Advice: Riiiiiiight. Where the fuck do I start on this one. Can't you just buy a stress-relieving ball instead of raping those poor peach-bummed girls? I mean, they're usually pretty nice! The only thing I'm wondering is to how you ever found their asses to ressemble peaches... No, not spheres, or apples, or anything else, just good ol' peach badunkadunk. Just leave them alone and get yourself a massager or a girlfriend. OK? OK. Next!
Patient #3, 288866785
"i string along men all over the country, and i only pull on the strings when i want something from them. yeah! gettin me a car! yeah! i also like hot cocoa alot."
Dr. Advice: Well, Mrs. Whore, your priorities seem to be in the right place. Let's look this over a little more thoroughly, shall we? All right. So, you say that you "string along men all over the country," huh? You must think you're pretty hot stuff, eh? -Nudging of elbows- Oooh, those guys must really think you're pretty great! (In the pants!) Haha, well enough with the small talk. The point is, you're a good-for-nothing white trash skank who deserves to be vomited on by a very sick old man. A new car? What did you do to deserve that? A blow job or two? And what the hell is with your little bit about the hot cocoa? Where does that fit in? I think you need to quit the crack and get hooked on phonics... You depress me. Go away.
arrrrritey guys ! thats all for now ,PLEASE PLEASE COMMENT IF U LIKED!! and if not, comment too. lol. later
-joel
Thursday, July 22, 2004
hooooooly geez! people can't get enough of this thing! i was saving this for tomorrow, buuuut since everyone really likes it , I guess I'll post another edition! for the record,
i don't make these people's confessions up! they're all completely real!
lol, thought i'd get that point across. it's from http://grouphug.us - just to let you all know. ok, enjoy, these are some pretty disturbing confessions!
Patient #1, 642098586
"last night i finally did it! i stole my sisters dildo and i inserted it in my bumhole. it was the greatest feeling ever. i managed 2 insert it all the way up. i think this experience has made me change from a straight person in to a gay 1. i sure hope my sister washed it before she used this morning. because i forgot to wash it"
Dr. Advice: Ahhhh right. OK then. Where to start. Well! For starters, shoving a dildo up your bum doesn't change your sexual orientation. Don't get me wrong, but most straight guys don't usually participate in this type of... Activity. And also, might I point out the IMMENSE health risks involved with anus-to-vagina contact, which can introduce ultra-huge-sex viruses like... Chlamidia to the max, or Super-Sick Syphillis, or possibly even Hungry Hungry Herpes! So don't come crawling to me (quite literally, your bum will probably be too sore for you to walk,) when your sister's complaining of having a sore-ass pussy (again, literally) don't look to me or anyone else for help! Asshole! (Yeah, you heard me. Literally.) Next!
Patient #2, 310952410
"Last night, I walked into my parents bedroom while they were doing it. I accidently bumped the bed while I was pleasuring myself. My dad asked who was there, I said I was the cat. They went back to doing thing, and I went back to mine. I can't believe he believed me."
(1) comments
i don't make these people's confessions up! they're all completely real!
lol, thought i'd get that point across. it's from http://grouphug.us - just to let you all know. ok, enjoy, these are some pretty disturbing confessions!
Patient #1, 642098586
"last night i finally did it! i stole my sisters dildo and i inserted it in my bumhole. it was the greatest feeling ever. i managed 2 insert it all the way up. i think this experience has made me change from a straight person in to a gay 1. i sure hope my sister washed it before she used this morning. because i forgot to wash it"
Dr. Advice: Ahhhh right. OK then. Where to start. Well! For starters, shoving a dildo up your bum doesn't change your sexual orientation. Don't get me wrong, but most straight guys don't usually participate in this type of... Activity. And also, might I point out the IMMENSE health risks involved with anus-to-vagina contact, which can introduce ultra-huge-sex viruses like... Chlamidia to the max, or Super-Sick Syphillis, or possibly even Hungry Hungry Herpes! So don't come crawling to me (quite literally, your bum will probably be too sore for you to walk,) when your sister's complaining of having a sore-ass pussy (again, literally) don't look to me or anyone else for help! Asshole! (Yeah, you heard me. Literally.) Next!
Patient #2, 310952410
"Last night, I walked into my parents bedroom while they were doing it. I accidently bumped the bed while I was pleasuring myself. My dad asked who was there, I said I was the cat. They went back to doing thing, and I went back to mine. I can't believe he believed me."
Dr. Advice: Right. Yes, right you are. OK. For starters, what were you doing in your parent's room pleasuring yourself while they were having sex? I mean, I really hope that's not what turns you on. Just so you know, that's how you were BORN. But, if you really do want to think of Dad saying "How do you do" in a special way to your mom, you go right ahead. Or not. Anyway, secondly, what the hell? Not to be mean, but is your father retarded? There are so many things wrong with this logic! A) Cats cannot talk. B) Cats don't masturbate to THEIR parents having sex. C) CATS AREN'T SICK AND DEMENTED LIKE YOURSELF! And so yeah! You're retarded, whatever. Don't share your feelings. Next!
Patient #3, 113990099
"Sometimes when I am at work and no one else there, generally after hours, I try to perform sexual acts on my computer. Usually I try to shove my rather small penis into the "A" drive, but to no avail. Most of the time I just get frustrated and go in the bathroom and masturbate while thinking of my father. I usually ejaculate onto the seat of the toilet and just leave it there to get back at the world for my strange sexual fetishes. Currently I am looking for a woman that partakes in similar acts, but I am having little luck. Does this make me wierd?"
Dr. Advice: Hmmm... Why would that be weird? Let's see... OK! So, reason #1. You try to fuck a computer! Need I say more? No, I definately don't. Reason #2! You masturbate while thinking about your father. Ah-ha. Not going there. Reason #3! You cum on the toilet seat at your workplace so that you can "get back at the world for your strange fetishes." Again, just plain weird. What's your logic there? Gay people don't "get back at the world" for their sexual orientation, and people who are into roleplay and domination and leather and such things don't "get back at the world" for their fetishes, and so why must you "get back at the world" for such things? And even if you really TRULY wanted to "get back at the world," what the fuck kind of lame idea is it to cum on the toilet seat? Oh no! What might he do next? Lick the toilet bowl for revenge? I mean, really. You're a sad case. And no, there are no women that exist that participate in such activities. I've already typed a massive paragraph, and I haven't even touched the tip of the iceberg! God! Thanks to you, there's not even going to be a 4th patient. Does that make you mad? GOOD! ...Just don't cum on my toilet seat. Please.
arritey guys!!! please comment , thanks !
-joel
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Time for another thrilling addition of my favorite doctor and mine, Dr. Advice! yayyyy
Patient #1, 436097671
"I am a married 25 year man with 2 boys 3 and 1 and a 16 year old stepdaughter. My wife is 10 years older than me and a total MILF. The funny thing is I try and try HARD to sneek a peak at my step daughter anyway, time, shape or form I can. She is a total SexPot. She has the most perfect Titts and an Ass that just makes you want to scream .. I fanticise about her when I masterbate and when Im with her mother almost every time. lol I know Jerry Springer waiting to happen. But Im a northerner now so im banned from ever appearing on the show..haha.I hope once just once, I want to get down and dirty with my Hotty of a step daughter. Am I wrong??"
Dr. Advice: What? Wrong? Why... Why would that be wrong? Hmm... Oh, hold on, the dictionary just called. What's that, Mr. Dictionary? You want you give me the defenition of the word incest? OK! Incest: Sexual commerce between near blood relations. In other words, incest is when two people who are related have sexual relations. Now, your question was, "Am I wrong?" My answer: You're fucking crazy. Go hang yourself or get counselling. If you're supposed to be the caregiver for this girl, then you don't go about masturbating while thinking about her, especially when you're with your wife. I don't care if your daughter is fucking Jenna Jameson, you do not touch and her and you find some help. And what the hell is a "SexPot" ? Just... Die. Don't share your feelings. Next!
Patient #2, 415590019
"Sometimes when I'm shaving, I will purposely not shave between my upper lip and nose. This leaves a good amount of shaving cream on that part of my face, which forms a Hitler-esque mustache... and then I walk around my dorm room naked, yelling "SIEG HEIL!"
Dr. Advice: Umm... Haha, right. OK. Well, you see, I have deemed your psychological status to be "loony." Therefore, I reccomend that you direct yourself to your local "loony bin," for you are most likely a crazy fuck with no friends who needs help and can't get laid because you're weird. Next!
Patient #3, 822564082
"A girl I used to work with is engaged, and I'm married. I have been trying to sleep with her for over a year now.Her fiancee just left town for a year and we went drinking last night. She told me she couldn't believe how horny she was, and that tonight was my chance. I actually talked her out of it.Am I a good friend, or a moron??"
Dr. Advice: You're a moron. In fact, you're retarded. In fact, "moron" doesn't really quite do you justice. I'd have to say you were a huge pussy. You say you've been trying to sleep with her for a year, and yet you talked her out of sleeping with you? Were you afraid of cooties or something? Because if that's all there is to this story, you're just plain retarded. I mean really. You're right up there with that boy who cums on kids if that's your mentality! What's your logic? "She's hot, I've wanted her for a year, and this is my chance. But, ew, girls are gross!" ...Stupid fuck. Your problems are stupid.
Patient #4, 614789301
"My friend Alicia loves to eat out her pets. I once caught her eating out her cat. Im so worried because i think this is destructive behavior. She's korean and she says its normal."
(3) comments
Patient #1, 436097671
"I am a married 25 year man with 2 boys 3 and 1 and a 16 year old stepdaughter. My wife is 10 years older than me and a total MILF. The funny thing is I try and try HARD to sneek a peak at my step daughter anyway, time, shape or form I can. She is a total SexPot. She has the most perfect Titts and an Ass that just makes you want to scream .. I fanticise about her when I masterbate and when Im with her mother almost every time. lol I know Jerry Springer waiting to happen. But Im a northerner now so im banned from ever appearing on the show..haha.I hope once just once, I want to get down and dirty with my Hotty of a step daughter. Am I wrong??"
Dr. Advice: What? Wrong? Why... Why would that be wrong? Hmm... Oh, hold on, the dictionary just called. What's that, Mr. Dictionary? You want you give me the defenition of the word incest? OK! Incest: Sexual commerce between near blood relations. In other words, incest is when two people who are related have sexual relations. Now, your question was, "Am I wrong?" My answer: You're fucking crazy. Go hang yourself or get counselling. If you're supposed to be the caregiver for this girl, then you don't go about masturbating while thinking about her, especially when you're with your wife. I don't care if your daughter is fucking Jenna Jameson, you do not touch and her and you find some help. And what the hell is a "SexPot" ? Just... Die. Don't share your feelings. Next!
Patient #2, 415590019
"Sometimes when I'm shaving, I will purposely not shave between my upper lip and nose. This leaves a good amount of shaving cream on that part of my face, which forms a Hitler-esque mustache... and then I walk around my dorm room naked, yelling "SIEG HEIL!"
Dr. Advice: Umm... Haha, right. OK. Well, you see, I have deemed your psychological status to be "loony." Therefore, I reccomend that you direct yourself to your local "loony bin," for you are most likely a crazy fuck with no friends who needs help and can't get laid because you're weird. Next!
Patient #3, 822564082
"A girl I used to work with is engaged, and I'm married. I have been trying to sleep with her for over a year now.Her fiancee just left town for a year and we went drinking last night. She told me she couldn't believe how horny she was, and that tonight was my chance. I actually talked her out of it.Am I a good friend, or a moron??"
Dr. Advice: You're a moron. In fact, you're retarded. In fact, "moron" doesn't really quite do you justice. I'd have to say you were a huge pussy. You say you've been trying to sleep with her for a year, and yet you talked her out of sleeping with you? Were you afraid of cooties or something? Because if that's all there is to this story, you're just plain retarded. I mean really. You're right up there with that boy who cums on kids if that's your mentality! What's your logic? "She's hot, I've wanted her for a year, and this is my chance. But, ew, girls are gross!" ...Stupid fuck. Your problems are stupid.
Patient #4, 614789301
"My friend Alicia loves to eat out her pets. I once caught her eating out her cat. Im so worried because i think this is destructive behavior. She's korean and she says its normal."
Dr. Advice: Ummm........ Right you are. OK! So... Yes. I don't even know where to start, because that's just wrong. First of all, who the fuck eats out animals? I mean, poor cat, I didn't even know you could eat out cats! That's sick! It's not normal. Send her to the loony bin with Hitler. And then save her cat.
k guys , thats all for today , later
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Here's a forward I got today , and it's really really funny, especially if you work.
BODY MEETING :
>>All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide
>>who was
>>the one in charge.
>>"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the
>>body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
>>"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all
>>over so without me you'd all waste away."
>>"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give
>>all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever
>>it needs to go."
>>"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see
>>where it goes."
>>"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible
>>for waste removal."
>>All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a
>>huff, he shut down tight.
>>Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach
>>was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood
>>was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
>>The morale of the story? The asshole is usually in charge !!
this is definately not reflected in my workplace! cough - lol. oh well.
-joel
(0) comments
BODY MEETING :
>>All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide
>>who was
>>the one in charge.
>>"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the
>>body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
>>"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all
>>over so without me you'd all waste away."
>>"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give
>>all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever
>>it needs to go."
>>"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see
>>where it goes."
>>"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible
>>for waste removal."
>>All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a
>>huff, he shut down tight.
>>Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach
>>was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood
>>was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
>>The morale of the story? The asshole is usually in charge !!
this is definately not reflected in my workplace! cough - lol. oh well.
-joel
Monday, July 19, 2004
hey guys! maybe boredom has influenced me to start this, but as of today, i'm going to have a second weekly feature, called "Dr. Advice." basically, i'm going to take quotes from the anonymous people of Group Hug , and then give them advice! I hope this turns out to be funny, and if not, IT GETS CUT. k doke!
Patient #1, #607341015:
"i'm 16 and i have never had a girlfriend. ever. I want someone soo bad but i have only found one girl i really liked, but she has no idea i even exist. last year in school i found out someone in one of my classes liked me but i said no fucking way cause shes this fat ass goth pig who hates everyone. and she thinks that im the same way, but not at all, i generally like people, except her. i mean i dont hate her cause shes fat and ugly (ok, maybe a little) but i hate her mostly for thinking that im someone else.Now this girl i really like is actually one of her friends, a good friend, but she is just amazing shes not one of those little 'ooooh im so goth' bitches, shes normal.. and amazing. I think about her when i masturbate but i have really cut down on that, to like once a week maybe. cause i feel it cheapens the crush i have on her.but i have not seen this girl all summer and ive started to loose interest, i know that as soon as i go back to school in september i will be obsessed with her again, and its my last year of school and i seriously have to talk to her this year but i'm too fucking shy, which sucks soo much. I catch her staring at me every once in a while an thats just sparks my interest in her even more.back to masturbation, i usually do it when im on the computer and i notice the neighbor children blaying by the tree in my front yard. I dont mastrubate while watching them or anything, but i do it out the windoe hoping i will get one ove them with my man juice. ive only gotten one of their legs once. i felt proud that day. I walked around with my chin up and chest puffed out.I love her.I want her.why cant I have her? "
Dr. Advice says: Well now. You seem to be a normal lad. Your reasoning is excellent! Or not, you massive reject. First of all, I think it would help if you didn't try to cum on little children outside of your window. Unfortunately, that doesn't really attract the female sex. Secondly, if you really did like this girl, I think you would have had the courage to maybe send her a note or try to... Bump into her by "accident" or something, it's been a year! Are you that much of a pansy? My God! Don't just sit there and stare at her face like her eyes are falling out! Geez. Finally, I think that you have problems, and should get counselling... Just because you like to cum on little kids, and especially since that makes you feel proud. Fucking pedophile. Next!
Patient #2, # 704787909
"my girlfriend is waiting for me to make out with her but i have no experience. this relationship is going nowhere"
Dr. Advice says: Ya-huh. Allrighty then. I reccomend that you get some hormones. Either you haven't hit puberty yet, or you're just plain gay. Just kiss your girlfriend, buddy. Nobody cares. Next!
Patient #3, #229857779
"i love the smell of my own boxers. sometimes i reach down and get a handful of myself just so i can smell my hand."
(3) comments
Patient #1, #607341015:
"i'm 16 and i have never had a girlfriend. ever. I want someone soo bad but i have only found one girl i really liked, but she has no idea i even exist. last year in school i found out someone in one of my classes liked me but i said no fucking way cause shes this fat ass goth pig who hates everyone. and she thinks that im the same way, but not at all, i generally like people, except her. i mean i dont hate her cause shes fat and ugly (ok, maybe a little) but i hate her mostly for thinking that im someone else.Now this girl i really like is actually one of her friends, a good friend, but she is just amazing shes not one of those little 'ooooh im so goth' bitches, shes normal.. and amazing. I think about her when i masturbate but i have really cut down on that, to like once a week maybe. cause i feel it cheapens the crush i have on her.but i have not seen this girl all summer and ive started to loose interest, i know that as soon as i go back to school in september i will be obsessed with her again, and its my last year of school and i seriously have to talk to her this year but i'm too fucking shy, which sucks soo much. I catch her staring at me every once in a while an thats just sparks my interest in her even more.back to masturbation, i usually do it when im on the computer and i notice the neighbor children blaying by the tree in my front yard. I dont mastrubate while watching them or anything, but i do it out the windoe hoping i will get one ove them with my man juice. ive only gotten one of their legs once. i felt proud that day. I walked around with my chin up and chest puffed out.I love her.I want her.why cant I have her? "
Dr. Advice says: Well now. You seem to be a normal lad. Your reasoning is excellent! Or not, you massive reject. First of all, I think it would help if you didn't try to cum on little children outside of your window. Unfortunately, that doesn't really attract the female sex. Secondly, if you really did like this girl, I think you would have had the courage to maybe send her a note or try to... Bump into her by "accident" or something, it's been a year! Are you that much of a pansy? My God! Don't just sit there and stare at her face like her eyes are falling out! Geez. Finally, I think that you have problems, and should get counselling... Just because you like to cum on little kids, and especially since that makes you feel proud. Fucking pedophile. Next!
Patient #2, # 704787909
"my girlfriend is waiting for me to make out with her but i have no experience. this relationship is going nowhere"
Dr. Advice says: Ya-huh. Allrighty then. I reccomend that you get some hormones. Either you haven't hit puberty yet, or you're just plain gay. Just kiss your girlfriend, buddy. Nobody cares. Next!
Patient #3, #229857779
"i love the smell of my own boxers. sometimes i reach down and get a handful of myself just so i can smell my hand."
Dr. Advice says: Ahh yes. The old grab n' sniff. Oh! Oh wait... Hold on, I have a phone call. (Goes away momentarily.) Right, that was your boxers. It told me to tell you that you're weird. Don't share your feelings. Next!
Patient #4, #988482345
"one day while driving in a secluded neighborhood i saw a strange man in a car lure a child and open the door. the kid got inside kind of warily, and the man sped off. i kinda just sat there for a second in a state of shock, and then went to the record store."Dr. Advice says: That's a good way of looking at things! Nothing better than a good tune after watching a child getting kidnapped, who is most likely going to get raped, and then killed! Did you buy a Michael Jackson C.D.? Just kidding. But really, shouldn't you have made an effort to track down the license plate number or make of the car? I mean, just in case something bad was really going to happen to that child? You sick fuck! Well anyway, now there's a dead kid with a bleeding anus somewhere because of you... Hope you enjoy your music!
anyway , thats all for now, if you like it , leave a comment!
Sunday, July 18, 2004
heyyyy, sgoin on everybody? I'm chillin here at my hizzouse , just relaxing on a sunday morning. I'm going to church this morning , which i haven't gone to since Jesus was ressurected. oh well , so yea , before I go off on retarded and pointless subjects, let's revise my week , shall we? indeed.
saturday, prrrobably worked that night, because I don't really remember doing anything else. sunday night I worked too. then on monday , i went back to summer arts, and that was cool. I did that all week. on tuesday, wednesday and thursday, I had a retarded streak. they were all days on which I had to work at night, and that both parents were either working or weren't in town, and so i had to take the douchebag transit. that was really hard, because it was just so stressful for me to miss my last class, (catch up the next day) , run to catch the stupid bus , (not to mention waking up at 7 to take it in the morning,) and then of all things having to work at nights. it was ..absolutely shitty. i couldn't believe it. nothing ever felt so un-like summer in my life, it was ridiculous. oh well, that's why i did it ,so that i could be through with it, and here i am. and yea! it eased up on thursday night anyway , i didn't have to work after all! which is cool. so thursday night was fun. and then friday and saturday night, I had to do the big finale shows for summer arts, and now i'm done with that too! so , yeah, hopefully now it'll feel a little bit more like summer, because lately the weather's been ...ridiculously NOT summer-y, a and so honestly it doesn't really feel like summer , just because I haven't been camping or been to the beach (well, ok, a real trip to the beach), so that sucks.
and plus! there've yet to be the big summer parties that everyone loves and always talks about, but that's allright , i'm sure one is bound to come along. and that's that for this week! remember everybody, sun-screen is a good screen, and it's hip to be hat.
"Mr. Voice, what's behind Door #2 for our luuuuucky contestant?"
"Well, Mr. Host, it just happens to be LINKS!"
-Wild Applause-
Links
-joel
(0) comments
saturday, prrrobably worked that night, because I don't really remember doing anything else. sunday night I worked too. then on monday , i went back to summer arts, and that was cool. I did that all week. on tuesday, wednesday and thursday, I had a retarded streak. they were all days on which I had to work at night, and that both parents were either working or weren't in town, and so i had to take the douchebag transit. that was really hard, because it was just so stressful for me to miss my last class, (catch up the next day) , run to catch the stupid bus , (not to mention waking up at 7 to take it in the morning,) and then of all things having to work at nights. it was ..absolutely shitty. i couldn't believe it. nothing ever felt so un-like summer in my life, it was ridiculous. oh well, that's why i did it ,so that i could be through with it, and here i am. and yea! it eased up on thursday night anyway , i didn't have to work after all! which is cool. so thursday night was fun. and then friday and saturday night, I had to do the big finale shows for summer arts, and now i'm done with that too! so , yeah, hopefully now it'll feel a little bit more like summer, because lately the weather's been ...ridiculously NOT summer-y, a and so honestly it doesn't really feel like summer , just because I haven't been camping or been to the beach (well, ok, a real trip to the beach), so that sucks.
and plus! there've yet to be the big summer parties that everyone loves and always talks about, but that's allright , i'm sure one is bound to come along. and that's that for this week! remember everybody, sun-screen is a good screen, and it's hip to be hat.
"Mr. Voice, what's behind Door #2 for our luuuuucky contestant?"
"Well, Mr. Host, it just happens to be LINKS!"
-Wild Applause-
Links
Well, to start this off on a serious note, last night I saw a documentary, called "Neutral Ground." It was a documentary following the kids involved in the 2003 Belfast Children's Program. The Belfast Children's Program is a program for kids who are caught in the violence of the religious devision between Catholics and Protestants, which rises to a fever pitch in July of every year. My family participated in this event in 2000, and surprisingly, they interviewed the guy who stayed with my family for a month: John Glynn. This documentary originally aired in February, but you can check it out right here. Hope you learn something!
It's the most magical time of the year, friends! That's right... It's Decemberween in July! If you want the full menu of HomeStarRunner.com's Decemberween extravaganza, click here. I can't even begin to tell you how funny this stuff is. There's a mockery of a Decemberween book by StrongBad, a brand new Teen Girl Squad, and even a great new episode of your favorite series and mine, Sweet Cuppin' Cakes. Right.
Also from the genius minds of HomeStarRunner.com, there's a new video by... TMBG... Well, actually, I'm not really sure who it's really by. But it's absolutely cool. Check out "Experimental Film," featuring StrongSad doing some crazy shit.
Think you can draw well? Especially on sidewalks? Well, you won't anymore. Check this mofo out.
Check out the weekly news with Philip Norris!
Anyway, parents are bitching, i'm out. later-joel
Saturday, July 10, 2004
allllllllrighty then. good times. before i get all into, well, my links stuff, i'm gonna tell you about my week because that's what blogs are for. telling other people about the stuff that you do. and so! siiiince last friday or so, here's what i've been up to:
I don't really know nor do I remember whatever the hell i did last friday. oh well! im sure it was something important. then saturday and sunday, all I really remember is working. except for sunday morning, i did a race. that was cool. soo then on monday, i started the imperial theatre camp, and i met all the people in my group. they're cool. so all week I've been basically taking classes all day, and sometimes working at night. wednesday night was saint john idol..fucking retarded night... oh well, and then last night (friday night) i just hung around watching movies with friends, which was awesome. lol, aren't i popular. oh yea! i'm also going into this studio thing on tuesday for a modelling company, haha, ahhh good times. I'm sure i'll make it far. anyway, so thats my weekly update, and herrrrrre's linky!
Links
For starters, this is a site that I'll admit is kind of unusual, and yet hilarious. Click here, and if you laugh then you'll like the site. It's called Toothpaste for Dinner, really crazy yet great stuff. (The link brings you to the Summer 2004 edition.)
This site features a good friend, Mr. Hussein! Oh good. Watch him and his crazy pals as they figure out how to properly play Rock, Paper, Scissors.
From the "Re-enacted by bunnies in 30 seconds" collection, here's the latest: Alien.
This really surprised me, and it will probably surprise you too. Gotta love illegal alien immigrants! Here.
Yay, Michael Moore is a talking pig! Nothing better than that.
And last, BUT NOT FUCKING LEAST ALL, IT'S SENOR CARDGAGE! Get your leg up on the pile with his mortgage plan! Yeah!
that's it for the week. get outside! have fun. later
-joel
(2) comments
I don't really know nor do I remember whatever the hell i did last friday. oh well! im sure it was something important. then saturday and sunday, all I really remember is working. except for sunday morning, i did a race. that was cool. soo then on monday, i started the imperial theatre camp, and i met all the people in my group. they're cool. so all week I've been basically taking classes all day, and sometimes working at night. wednesday night was saint john idol..fucking retarded night... oh well, and then last night (friday night) i just hung around watching movies with friends, which was awesome. lol, aren't i popular. oh yea! i'm also going into this studio thing on tuesday for a modelling company, haha, ahhh good times. I'm sure i'll make it far. anyway, so thats my weekly update, and herrrrrre's linky!
Links
For starters, this is a site that I'll admit is kind of unusual, and yet hilarious. Click here, and if you laugh then you'll like the site. It's called Toothpaste for Dinner, really crazy yet great stuff. (The link brings you to the Summer 2004 edition.)
This site features a good friend, Mr. Hussein! Oh good. Watch him and his crazy pals as they figure out how to properly play Rock, Paper, Scissors.
From the "Re-enacted by bunnies in 30 seconds" collection, here's the latest: Alien.
This really surprised me, and it will probably surprise you too. Gotta love illegal alien immigrants! Here.
Yay, Michael Moore is a talking pig! Nothing better than that.
And last, BUT NOT FUCKING LEAST ALL, IT'S SENOR CARDGAGE! Get your leg up on the pile with his mortgage plan! Yeah!
that's it for the week. get outside! have fun. later
-joel
heyyyy guys , sorry bout not posting in the past week, i'm been f-ing busy. I'm gonna look over some new stuff on the net, and when i'm ready i'll give you a huge post with this week's link section. but for now i need to get out and have a run, cause I've been lazy. later
-joel
(0) comments
-joel
Friday, July 02, 2004
hey dudes. joel here on a stormy friday morning - pretty happy - i fell asleep around 2 in the morning, would have slept in but armegeddon seemed to be going on...... all i heard was "CRASH BOOM BOOM IMMENSE CRASH BOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM." so then I woke up.
I have not updated since last wednesday (well, an update that showed you what I've been up to,) and so here goes. i don't remember that much from last week, except that friday night was, for some reason, very very boring. I do believe it was because my parents took the computer away, and everyone was busy...anyway.
then last weekend , i don't really remember much of that either, apart from the memory of working. which is pretty common. then! ok, yeah, monday - june 28th, election day. I had to work for 14 fucking hours crossing lames off a list for 60$.....I worked it out, that's 4.28$ per hour. what? whats that? fucking cheap? oh, that's right. I mean, I didn't even really get an insight into the "political process" really, it was just "here's the ballot, let us put it into a box and then we will talk about the weather and other useless subjects." so yeah - not worth it.
then tuesday, ahhhhhhh lol blank, wednesday! there we go. I went to SJ idol , and that was great. tho I was seldom on the boardwalk, cause everyone knows that you just go to SJ idol to socialise and to see and be seen. or to fight. either one. point is: good time. then on thursday!! Canada Day!! (aka yesterday) it was really great. the weather was hot, it was beautiful out, I went to the Canada Day fun run in the morning, I'm proud of myself cause I did well, and then yea! my fam and i went to the beach, and then i went into work, and I really did have a great day.
and so! now it's friday, and I'm just gonna relax. I might be doing the summer arts program again at the imperial, just 'cause it's the last year that I can do it and I think it's fun. so yea, that's all that's new with me in a nutshell, hope you're having a bomb-ass summer!
but now, it is time for your favorite time! lol, aka the links section. enjoy:
Links
As you open this link, I want you to shut your eyes and imagine a cute little duck walking into a dark alley and being violently raped. The sounds in this... ah, "song," pretty much cover what you're about to hear.
An extremely interesting idea that an Argentinian family has thought up; I'm going to do this with my family.
You know it, you love it, it just-so-happens-to-be Strongbad's e-mail! This week, Strongbad introduces the viewer into the great and mysterious world of "Dangeresque 1: Dangeresque, too?"
Play the latest version of the famed "Who'd You Rather" (Liquid Generation.) This week, Video Game Fighters!
And finally, to leave you on a less happy note, but a thoughtful one, this is a little something that will show you what the world would be like if there were only 100 people in it.
later
joel
(0) comments
I have not updated since last wednesday (well, an update that showed you what I've been up to,) and so here goes. i don't remember that much from last week, except that friday night was, for some reason, very very boring. I do believe it was because my parents took the computer away, and everyone was busy...anyway.
then last weekend , i don't really remember much of that either, apart from the memory of working. which is pretty common. then! ok, yeah, monday - june 28th, election day. I had to work for 14 fucking hours crossing lames off a list for 60$.....I worked it out, that's 4.28$ per hour. what? whats that? fucking cheap? oh, that's right. I mean, I didn't even really get an insight into the "political process" really, it was just "here's the ballot, let us put it into a box and then we will talk about the weather and other useless subjects." so yeah - not worth it.
then tuesday, ahhhhhhh lol blank, wednesday! there we go. I went to SJ idol , and that was great. tho I was seldom on the boardwalk, cause everyone knows that you just go to SJ idol to socialise and to see and be seen. or to fight. either one. point is: good time. then on thursday!! Canada Day!! (aka yesterday) it was really great. the weather was hot, it was beautiful out, I went to the Canada Day fun run in the morning, I'm proud of myself cause I did well, and then yea! my fam and i went to the beach, and then i went into work, and I really did have a great day.
and so! now it's friday, and I'm just gonna relax. I might be doing the summer arts program again at the imperial, just 'cause it's the last year that I can do it and I think it's fun. so yea, that's all that's new with me in a nutshell, hope you're having a bomb-ass summer!
but now, it is time for your favorite time! lol, aka the links section. enjoy:
Links
As you open this link, I want you to shut your eyes and imagine a cute little duck walking into a dark alley and being violently raped. The sounds in this... ah, "song," pretty much cover what you're about to hear.
An extremely interesting idea that an Argentinian family has thought up; I'm going to do this with my family.
You know it, you love it, it just-so-happens-to-be Strongbad's e-mail! This week, Strongbad introduces the viewer into the great and mysterious world of "Dangeresque 1: Dangeresque, too?"
Play the latest version of the famed "Who'd You Rather" (Liquid Generation.) This week, Video Game Fighters!
And finally, to leave you on a less happy note, but a thoughtful one, this is a little something that will show you what the world would be like if there were only 100 people in it.
later
joel
